I think i've gotten over the crap patch.
Though some things still sort of hurt, but definitely not as much as they did.
The things that have happened, I'm not gonna be bothered about.
I should move on.
Although some parts of me feel weird not feeling the way that I did.
It's almost like I want to feel crap.
But now that I'm not thinking about it as much, I can get on with my life.
Why am I writing this?
Well I like expressing my feelings on paper (this being the paper) if I'm not sharing it with someone.
The last week or so has been a bit difficult in terms of sanity.
Sometimes I felt like I could just utterly lose it.
But when those times arises, I think to myself.
That isn't what I should be doing.
I once gave someone a go at for slamming their hand on my car dashboard at disgust at something I did.
Fair enough you might think.
But I'm not one to make a scene or noise when something doesn't go my way.
I might walk away.
Isn't always subtle.
But I don't make a big noise in the heat of the moment.
I've never been the one to make such a noise when it comes to an argument.
Even though in normal times, I'm always heard.
But arguments, I tend to stay calm.
I don't tend to raise my voice.
Though sometimes I do change my tone to make sure my point is made.
And because of my arrogance, I'd add to myself fuck sake at the end.
But anyway.
Ever since that telling off of someone.
I always think in the heat of the moment, you can.
Eh Lose it, or.
Be Stay Calm.
And ever since, I normally pick the be option.
But then again.
I've never been the one to throw an absolute tantrum.
I don't think I've ever lost it.
Except one time when I was so frustrated at a game of football that I had a punch up with my friend.
But since then.
And probably because I'm growing up.
And having life exams almost daily.
I've learnt to control my aggression.
Though like I've said.
I've never been the one to throw a tantrum.
But inside.
And this is what you don't see.
I have the biggest tantrum of them all.
At times.
I have to get a hold of myself and say.
What the fuck am I doing?
I'm meant to be a Christian boy.
Yet here I am.
Cussing whatever has annoyed me until the cows come home.
I always have a part of me that needs to do that.
I guess its only human.
But always I have the other part telling me to not to.
If you know me well enough then you will know I hate confrontation.
Most of the times to the point where if I'm offended by something.
I either just shut myself from whoever, or.
Let it slide.
Either option, I am cussing them like they committed the worse sin ever committed by man towards mankind.
But that always leads to bitterness.
I have a confession.
I can be very bitter.
Not that many people have annoyed me.
But whoever has and knows about it.
Will probably feel some bitterness from me.
But generally, I am quite a forgiving guy.
I have this thing.
I don't go to sleep angry at someone.
Fair enough if someone is angry at me.
But whatever someone has done to me today.
I will have forgotten about it tomorrow.
I think this thing is great.
You should try it.
Helps if you are in a relationship and the woman takes a flaky guys!
Ha.
But why do I still feel quite bitter?
I really don't know.
If someone could answer it for me that would be great.
But I was on my way to the toilet and I asked myself this question?
I don't think I tried to answer it.
I was too busy doing natures thing.
And then the question just flew out of my mind.
But as I kicked the air, pretending to be a footballer in my living room of the house.
My head just caught glance of drape thing that has been hanging on the wall for ages.
I've always known it was there.
But ask me, and I don't know what is written on it.
But it says:
"And be kind to one another,
tender hearted,
forgiving one another, even as God
in Christ also forgave you"
Ephesians 4:32.
So once I really looked at it.
I thought.
I should drop whatever it is that has made me sad of late.
All go away.
And its in progress.
It's working.
Why do people store away anger?
Because we all want to see justice served!
We don't feel satisfied if that person doesn't get their comeuppance.
So we store the hurt, and there becomes.
Bitterness.
I'll tell you.
I especially didn't want to feel bitterness towards X.
Because X and I got on very well.
And I always think X is brilliant, even when X isn't.
But just of late.
Whatever X did.
Got to me.
I don't think X did it intentionally.
But if or not, I'd always conclude it was.
And thats why I got annoyed.
But I think a weight has been lifted of my shoulder.
I no longer feel this way about X.
If anything.
I think whatever has happened between me and X.
Has been a test.
Totally honest.
I don't like the conclusion between me and X.
But I think it's all for the best.
And I think.
I'm much happier.
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